Yesterday, I was feeling very down. I was so tired and my brain was kaput. When I got home, I only wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep. I can barely make thru the Asr prayers, what more to perform other nafl solat or zikir or Quranic reading. I bet the Asr solat that I did make was just to fulfill the fardh and may not even be up to anyone's standard. I must admit that it was one of the bad ones. As I finish the solat and fold my prayer mat, I crawled to my bed and shut my eyes...I know it is bad to fall asleep after asr but I just can't help it. I am sooo tired.
Just as I feel that I am floating in between consciousness, my daughter came and woke me up for some silly reason. Oh…I was so disappointed. There goes my evening nap. I said some sharp words to her but quickly felt bad about it. She looked sad. She didn’t mean to disturb me. She thought that the news that she had was important.
I tried to get back to sleep but it was not going to work. I seldom sleep in the evening and my mind is telling me that I must get up. My children need me. I can hear them laughing and playing outside with the neighbours' kids. Sometimes, when I am home form the office, I do sit with them. We walk to the playground, talk, played some silly games etc. Today, I am not up to it. Initially, I planned to take them to the pasar malam as most of our kitchen essentials and foods are depleted. Still, I can’t get myself to go. Maybe later, after maghrib. Alhamdulillah, the children barely even notice me whenever they are playing. Allah has shown mercy on me. I live in a good neighbourhood and my kids have good friends to play with. At least I have some personal time to unwind.
As I lie there on the bed, I keep thinking to myself that it is so tough to have the strength and stamina to keep my iman and amal going. I know that I must pull and shake myself up. I read somewhere that every muslim must have a minimum level of amal. This is the minimum that we must perform, no matter what the condition of our iman is. What is my minimum level? Only the 5 daily prayers ? What about the nafl solat? What about the minimum daily zikir? How about the minimum daily Quranic reading? What about my house taklim ?
I have all this running thru my heads but I can't get my body to move off the bed. Oh Allah, please just let me get thru the night. Please let me at least complete my 30 min of taklim. Allah is great. I know that He must be disappointed with my low level of amal. I know that I am not worthy. Last nite, after my solat maghrib, when I was thinking that I might not have the strength to start my taklim anymore, my youngest son was already calling his siblings. “ Come on...we must sit for our taklim”. Masya Allah. How can I ask for anything more? Allah has showered me with uncountable nikmats. He has given me good children. Although my boy is only 3+, he understands that Maghrib is time for solat, taklim and Quran. Sometimes he complained, when are you guys going to finish? How come it is taking so long? But still, he will always be with us in the beginning of solat and taklim. After a while, he will get bored and move to get his playthings. That is ok though…at least he sits in the beginning and at the end. After taklim, we did our Isyak and then went to the pasar malam.
That's why we must make effort on our iman. When our iman is strong, our amal will be good. It is different between knowing and doing. I know that I must make the effort on my iman. I know I must sacrifice for my deen. Yet, I am so weak. Oh ALlah, please help me. Please make today better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today. Please make me have strength to fight my nafs and please let me be victorious. When things get so difficult, I just want to throw in the towel and stop the fight....Must NOT be weak. Must be steadfast and hold on...Allah is most compassionate.