Iman & Amal

Yesterday, I was feeling very down. I was so tired and my brain was kaput. When I got home, I only wanted to crawl into my bed and sleep. I can barely make thru the Asr prayers, what more to perform other nafl solat or zikir or Quranic reading. I bet the Asr solat that I did make was just to fulfill the fardh and may not even be up to anyone's standard. I must admit that it was one of the bad ones. As I finish the solat and fold my prayer mat, I crawled to my bed and shut my eyes...I know it is bad to fall asleep after asr but I just can't help it. I am sooo tired.

Just as I feel that I am floating in between consciousness, my daughter came and woke me up for some silly reason. Oh…I was so disappointed. There goes my evening nap. I said some sharp words to her but quickly felt bad about it. She looked sad. She didn’t mean to disturb me. She thought that the news that she had was important.

I tried to get back to sleep but it was not going to work. I seldom sleep in the evening and my mind is telling me that I must get up. My children need me. I can hear them laughing and playing outside with the neighbours' kids. Sometimes, when I am home form the office, I do sit with them. We walk to the playground, talk, played some silly games etc. Today, I am not up to it. Initially, I planned to take them to the pasar malam as most of our kitchen essentials and foods are depleted. Still, I can’t get myself to go. Maybe later, after maghrib. Alhamdulillah, the children barely even notice me whenever they are playing. Allah has shown mercy on me. I live in a good neighbourhood and my kids have good friends to play with. At least I have some personal time to unwind.

As I lie there on the bed, I keep thinking to myself that it is so tough to have the strength and stamina to keep my iman and amal going. I know that I must pull and shake myself up. I read somewhere that every muslim must have a minimum level of amal. This is the minimum that we must perform, no matter what the condition of our iman is. What is my minimum level? Only the 5 daily prayers ? What about the nafl solat? What about the minimum daily zikir? How about the minimum daily Quranic reading? What about my house taklim ?

I have all this running thru my heads but I can't get my body to move off the bed. Oh Allah, please just let me get thru the night. Please let me at least complete my 30 min of taklim. Allah is great. I know that He must be disappointed with my low level of amal. I know that I am not worthy. Last nite, after my solat maghrib, when I was thinking that I might not have the strength to start my taklim anymore, my youngest son was already calling his siblings. “ Come on...we must sit for our taklim”. Masya Allah. How can I ask for anything more? Allah has showered me with uncountable nikmats. He has given me good children. Although my boy is only 3+, he understands that Maghrib is time for solat, taklim and Quran. Sometimes he complained, when are you guys going to finish? How come it is taking so long? But still, he will always be with us in the beginning of solat and taklim. After a while, he will get bored and move to get his playthings. That is ok though…at least he sits in the beginning and at the end. After taklim, we did our Isyak and then went to the pasar malam.

That's why we must make effort on our iman. When our iman is strong, our amal will be good. It is different between knowing and doing. I know that I must make the effort on my iman. I know I must sacrifice for my deen. Yet, I am so weak. Oh ALlah, please help me. Please make today better than yesterday and tomorrow better than today. Please make me have strength to fight my nafs and please let me be victorious. When things get so difficult, I just want to throw in the towel and stop the fight....Must NOT be weak. Must be steadfast and hold on...Allah is most compassionate.

Routine Harian

Insya Allah, hari ini, Abang akan berlepas ke Bangladesh setelah lebih dari 2 minggu di Sri Petaling. Tak taulah berapa jam pernerbangan ke Bangladesh itu. Semoga, ALlah selamatkan mereka dalam perjalanan. Kami di sini sentiasa mendoakan.

Semenjak abang tak ada di rumah nie, rutin harian kami menjadi begitu mudah. Sebelum maghrib kami sudah harus sampai ke rumah. Kunci pintu dan bersiap sedia untuk solat. Lepas solat maghrib, lebih kurang pukul 8 malam kami semua duduk untuk taklim. Lebih kurang 30-40 minit bergantung pada hadith2 yang dibaca dan topik muzakarah yang dipilih. Lepas taklim, Insya ALlah, kami semua siap sedia untuk solat Isyak.

Usai solat, kami masing2 habiskan bacaan Al-Quran atau bereskan kerja2 sekolah. Selalunya, kami makan sebelum masuk waktu maghrib supaya ada lebih masa di malam hari untuk buat kerja2 lain. Lagipun, makan sebelum maghrib itu sunnah. Insya ALlah, kalau istikhamah melakukannya, dapatlah pahala sunnah. Ganjaran seratus pahala mati syahid untuk setiap sunnah yang dapat kita amalkan secara istikhamah. Di mana, di zaman sahabat2 dahulu, untuk mendapatkan satu ganjaran pahala mati syahid, mereka harus meyatimkan anak2, membalukan isteri2 mereka dan mereka sendiri mati dengan begitu dahsyatnya sehingga ada sahabat2 yang dijumpai dengan mayat yg hilang kaki, tangan hatta kepala mereka sendiri. Itulah yang harus kami ingat2kan pada diri kami sendiri dan anak2 sewaktu iman kami lemaaahhh dan malaaassss untuk mengamalkan sunnah nabi muhd saw.

Semenjak suami dah tidak ada di rumah nie, kami selalunya masuk tidur pukul 10 malam. Bagus jugak. Dapatlah kami bangun awal keesokan harinya...cergas dan bertenaga untuk hari yang baru. Inilah antara hikmah ketiadaan suami di rumah. Kalau tidak, memang letih. Tidak menang tangan unatuk melayan suami, anak2 dan khidmat rumah. Suami pulak, selalunya balik dari masjid/mesyuarat/program ilmu/kenduri/khususi.. lewat malam. Kadang2 sampai mencecah 12 malam. Memang penat juga kalau nak kena layan makan2 & borak2. Esok pulak, pagi2 dah kena bangun utk tugasan2 baru. Hmmmm, sekarang nie, Allah bagi cuti panjaaannng :)

Nota Kaki :
Isteri mana yang tidak rindu....Namun, suami tersayang pergi mencari redha Allah. Semoga, Allah terima pengorbanan kami yang tidak seberapa ini. Semoga Allah campakkan ikhlas dan istikhamah dalam setiap amalan kami. Amin

Affairs of the heart

Just before hubby left for his 4 months, I told him that I will keep updating this blog. I told him, wherever he is, while he is travelling, please do have a look at what I have written. I actually promise to give him a summarized version of what happended at home. Daily. This way, he will be able to know the going-ons at home. Abang just smiled. He said that he will not have the time nor the capability to log on to any cyber cafes or whatsoever. Hehehe...of course I knew that. I was just trying to cheer him up. A few days before he left us, he was quite glum. It is not because he did not want to go but because we were all in quite a low spiritual state. Our imaan was really weak. Bateri lemah. It has been nearly 5 years since his last 40 days. Throughout these 5 years, we were so busy with dunia. It's tough in Malaysia. ALthough physically we live in an Islamic state...but it is difficult to hold on to our Islamic spirit. Susah nak kekalkan semangat dan jazbah. People around us keep on talking about dunia. We, ourselves keep on talking and worrying about dunia. Thus, dunia is what is in our hearts. Thus, now, after so much effort onto our dunia...we are trying to make some small effort for our deen and imaan...May ALlah look kindly upon us and accepts this effort of ours. Oh Allah, we are weak. Please help us be strong...be steadfast in our faith onto You.

Journey

It has been nearly a week since Abang went off for his khuruj. After many2 postponed events, Abang finally managed to pull everything together and settle most of his affairs. He had only 1 week from his last day of school to settle all our worldly affairs before beginning his journey in the path of Allah. Alhamdulillah, may Allah be pleased and accept what little efforts we make in search of Allah's blessings.

At this time, Abang is still in Sri Petaling. He has yet to obtain visa to India & Pakistan. Apparently, nowadays, visas are difficult to get by. It is especially so when you have a beard and looks like a "potential terrorist". Hmm, we are so lost in our ways such that we relate people with dressing of sunnah with bad images. Everyday that Abang is at Sri Petaling, he is learning new things. It is seldom that he gets to sit at the Markaz. Allah is most knowledgeable...He arranges everything as He sees fit. May Allah facilitates the visa and journey of my beloved husband.

I received a msg from him the other day -

" Sabar & tawajjuh dgn Allah dalam apa jua urusan, Insya Allah dipermudahkan...
Inilah antara tarbiyah kita, supaya yakin yg Allah mengurus segalanya,
Makhluk yg didepan kita tu tak boleh buat apa-apa, lemah dan tiada kuasa. "

May ALlah keeps us steadfast in all that we do.

Book Review

Currently, I am trying to finish the book Secrets of Secrets by Sheikh Abdul Qadir Jilani. Actually, it was written by the great Sufi but it was translated into English. I am of course, reading the English version. I actually picked up the book because the translator put a nice intro on the book's back cover. According to the translator, reading the book helps us to gain spiritual knowledge and purpose in our everyday ibadaat. This is so that our ibadat will be increased manyfold...so that it will not just be a routine of our life but an exercise which will strengthen our love and brings us closer to our Benefactor - Allah. Well, the reading has been slow. As I am only able to read a few pages at night before bedtime, the book will probably take me more than 2 weeks to finish. ALbeit the book is relatively thin.

As I was reading, I seem to ponder that the level of English in the book is quite abstract and high-level. It makes the writing very difficult to understand. Of course, taking into mind the fact that it has been quite some time since I've read anything else besides fiction. Thus, I am seeking help from fellow bloggers to recommend simpler books on spirituality and religion for me. Fyi, I have almost zero background in Islamic Thoughts and Revelations. I envy those people who were chosen and blessed to have the opportunity to have Islamic theology as their basic education. Thus, the knowledge that they gain while growing up, is 100% relevant to this world and the world hereafter. In fact, these fortunate people have the added opportunity/bonus to share their knowledge with other lesser mortals.

Alas, my pace of reading these genre of books is appaling. While reading,I feel especially bad that I have yet to get the opportunity to increase my understanding of the Quran. Apparently, according to Sheikh Abdul Qadir, the Qurans has 10 layers of understanding. 10 layers - Even the uppermost layer of understanding eludes me. In conclusion, I guess that's what I get from reading this book. It gave me some time to reflect on how ignorant I am.

Cerita Anak-Anak

Dua minggu lepas, kami pi mandi laut ngan kawan2. Enam orang kanak2 + 2 org dewasa dlm satu van...Ish...bising sungguh. Bebudak tu memeng seronoklah kalau dapat jumpa kawan. Apa lagi kalau pi jalan2. Tak letih2 walaupun dari pagi hingga kepetang.

Bulan April dan May yang lepas pulak, Nadia meraikan harijadi yg ke 10 dan Muhammad pulak yg ke-6. Tahun nie, kami takdelah jemput sesiapa utk dtg bersama-sama meraikannya. Cuma mereka 4 beradik aje...

Muhammad dapat hadiah basikal utk b-day. Dia dah pandai naik basikal 2 roda jadi dia memang menanti2 dapat basikal macam abang2 besar yg lain. Mula2 janji nak tunggu dia khatam ngaji Iqra baru dapat hadiah basikal...tapi, tak sampai hati tengok muka dia yg sedih sebab teringatkan basikal. Sampai dia termimpi2 dia nak dapat basikal. Dah suruh dia doa mintak kat Allah. Hari2 dia rajin solat maghrib dan doa mintak basikal. Cuma maghrib & Isyak aje dia buat... waktu solat yg lain dia tak buat.

Balik Kampung

Hmmm...dah lama betul tak update blog nie. Ada jugak singgah beberapa kali utk tulis n3 baru tapi selalunya tak dihabiskan. Separuh jalan aje dah ditinggalkan.

Tapi, Insya Allah, hari nie nak tulis jugak sampai habis. Mungkin sebab ada banyak cerita utk disampaikan.

Main story of the day is - Today was my hubby's viva. Initially, the viva was planned sometime in May so that hubby can finish off all the requirements for his degree by June. This will give him ample time to arrange for his khuruj by mid-June. If he is off to IPB in June, Insya ALlah, he can be back in time for Syawal. Namun, manusia merancang tapi Allah jua yg menetukan..ding-dong-ding-dong...rupanya tak dapat jugak nak viva. Postpone the viva date from May to June. Itupun tak dapat examiner. Postpone lagi ke awal July. Hmm, examiner dia tak dpt dtg...on an overseas trip. Postpone to 16th July. Not available. Finally, postponed to 19th July 2007.

Alhamdulillah, today was the viva date. Legalah, segalanya selesai dgn baik. Now waiting form some corrections. Yang tak bestnya, because of the late viva, the corrections must be made within next Monday. If the hardbound thesis is not submitted by Friday...hubby cannot graduate this semester.

Ingatkan hari nie, lepas suami dah habis viva, bolehlah balik kg. Tapi, kesian kat dia. Corrections must be submitted by Monday. On Tuesday, he needs to send the thesis for hardbound. This will probably take 2 days to get ready. Then, Thursday, he'll need to get signatures from his SV and Examiners. If we travel south today, then he will not have enough time and will not be focus to do his needed corrections. Macam mana dia nak submit thesis?

Sebenarnya, kami memang plan nak balik kampung bulan nie. Kalau all my hubby's work is settled, ingatkan nak balik middle of July. Memang dah lama benar tak balik. Dah dekat setahun. Macam duk overseas pulak. Padahal takdelah jauh sangat. Kesian kat emak. Emak tu dahlah duk kat situ sendirian semenjak abah meninggal. Apa pulak kata jiran tetangganya. Mesti dia org sok-sek sok-sek...apalah Mak Aji nie, ada anak pun takde yg dtg menjenguk.
Emak ada jugak dtg ziarah kami. In fact, lebih banyak mak yg dtg ke rumah kami drpd kami yg ke rumah mak. Tapi paling lama mak duk ngan kita sebulan aje. Lepas tu dia dah tak sabar nak balik ke rumah dia sendiri.

Dah suami pun tak habis2 dgn kes postpone viva...nampaknya tak sampai lah hajat nak balik kampung *sob*

Memang takde halangan dari segi kewangan utk pi ziarah emak. Tapi, dgn anak2 sekolah, saya yg bekerja sepenuh masa, suami yg sekolah dan kerja, takaza2 agama, etc. Memang terasa sempit sangat masa nak balik kg. Dah lah tu, nak drive ke kg pun ambil masa 7-8 jam. Kami nie macam dah tak larat nak angkut budak2 ramai2 utk travel jauh2 utk cuti yg singkat2. Sebenarnya, alasan2 demi alasan aje. Kalau nak seribu daya, kalau tak seribu dalih. Mungkin mak pun kecik hati sebab dah lama tak pi rumah dia. Asyik balik rumah mertua aje. Mertua saya pun balu jugak. Lagipun, mertua pun duk SA aje. Drive baru 3 jam, taklah jauh sangat.

Minggu ni, akak yg duk kat UK pun dah balik. Dah dekat 5 tahun jugak tak jumpa dia. Kalau balik kg, dpatlah jumpa dia sekali. Iyalah, org tu balik cuti tahun lepas pun, kami tak pergi jumpa. Kesimpulannya, mmg terikat sungguhlah duk kat sini. Jauh bebenor rasenya nak jumpa sedara. Kalau ikutkan hati, mmg terasa sedih sangat. Kenapalah duk jauh sangat dari keluarga. Bila family buat gathering/kenduri/makan2, mesti tak dapat join. Saya nie mmg sejak masuk sekolah asrama, dah tak rapat ngan family. Sedih jugak rasa tersendiri- sebatang kara. Merantau tak tentu pasal. Kami duk jauh dari family suami dan lebih jauh dari family saya.

Insya Allah, bila suami balik dari IPB nie, nak fikir2 dan rancang semula keadaan keluarga. Walaupun kami dah beli rumah kat sini, tak semestinya kami menetap sini hingga pencen. Iyalah, Rasulullah saw pun dah pesan, hidup manusia di dunia nie ibarat pengembara. Jadik, kami takde rasa nak duk permanent kat mana2 tempat. Dulu pun kami duk 6 tahun kat US. 5 tahun kat KL. 2 tahun kat OZ. Sekarang dah 5 tahun kami kat sini. Maybe, it is time we move on to a new place. Hijrah utk agama & keluarga.